Tomorrow this time I will be asleep on board. And 24 hours from then, I will be home. These final hours just seem so long. The excitement is killing me. I just don't like the in betweens.. the travelling part. I wish I could go to bed in Toronto tonight and then when I wake up, I find myself in my bed in Bombay. Alas..
I have been packed for 2 weeks now, but that feeling that I am forgetting something doesn't seem to leave me. I think it's natural and even if I am forgetting something, I can always buy it again. Honestly, it's just me stressed. A born worrier, sigh!.
I have nothing to write today. And I am sure you don't want me to go on and on about how thrilled I am.
On a different note, this vacation will give me some time to reflect on a few things I had going in my head. I will be sorting them out and hopefully when I get back in 3 weeks, I am less of a mystery to myself. A time to introspect and get back at things called 'relationships', rated R.
I will have many stories to tell when I get back.. so long!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
The lady wore black today
I have been staring at my monitor for 10 minutes, finally these words coming out. Today is one of those days when you want to write but don't know what to write. Such an uneventful day, but inside I feel like screaming, just looking to release everything that was being held inside all day today. There are several words forming in my head right now, somehow they don't fit in any one sentence. Clearing my thoughts is such a chore. So let me stay away from that for a while.
Today,I would prefer to wear black, it feels dark inside.And I like to tone it up a little. Staying up all night, inside the black satin sheets, dark but smooth. Fingers through my hair, strange eyes piercing through my soul, whispers in my ear, that coarse voice telling me to let go. Feels like sleeping with the Satan himself. I close my eyes lest my secrets are told through them. It's a slow seduction process, but it works everytime I have to fall out of love. He takes me in, working up my brain, inside my head. The shadows pass me by, heartache melting away. Indifference creeping in, soothing my heart, putting me to sleep, silent lucidity.And then without a warning all the pain is gone, a numbness all over. Order from chaos. I now know why did I feel the way I did. But it doesn't matter anymore. I am indifferent now. And the devil has my soul!
Today,I would prefer to wear black, it feels dark inside.And I like to tone it up a little. Staying up all night, inside the black satin sheets, dark but smooth. Fingers through my hair, strange eyes piercing through my soul, whispers in my ear, that coarse voice telling me to let go. Feels like sleeping with the Satan himself. I close my eyes lest my secrets are told through them. It's a slow seduction process, but it works everytime I have to fall out of love. He takes me in, working up my brain, inside my head. The shadows pass me by, heartache melting away. Indifference creeping in, soothing my heart, putting me to sleep, silent lucidity.And then without a warning all the pain is gone, a numbness all over. Order from chaos. I now know why did I feel the way I did. But it doesn't matter anymore. I am indifferent now. And the devil has my soul!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Fasten your seat belts
I am anxious these days. I am travelling in about 10 days, and I suffer from travel anxiety. Why, you would ask.. well apart from the imminent dangers of a plane hijack and a plane crash that we face these days, there are invariably certain things that freak me out. Following are some examples:
1. I forgot the change for the cart.
2. Entering the airport, I realize my check in counter is towards the other end of the airport.
3.My suitcases have "going to India" written all over them and it doesn't make it any easier at the Toronto airport.
4. The unfriendly officer behind the check in counter." Why are you going to India" coz officer, right now I look like the picture in my passport right here, and that means I really really need this vacation. Can we please not make the small talk?
5. At the security check, the officer pulling me aside "Mam, you have been chosen for a random security check", Really? Are you sure it isn't because I am brown and because I look like I will be blowing up the plane? But sure, I love security checks.. you will be frisking me, right? damn, can we get that handsome officer over there to do this?
6.Through with security, sitting at my gate, watching people gazing at nothing. That makes for an interesting past time. Like pyschos in a mental ward.
7. Everything at the airport is charged at a premium, as if they did not rip us enough when we bought those expensive tickets. So yeah, a cold sandwich for $10. My mom would have packed some stuff for me to eat, but you know, it's just me.
8.Freaky times when the flight is not on time.
9. 2 sets of people : Business executives, who try to sit away from the rest of us, usually reading WSJ or Bloomberg. And the teenage girls travelling alone for the first time, chewing on gum really noticeably, trying to act real cool.
10. The meaningless announcements, unless they are announcing your flight details. How I wish I could tune the other ones out.
11.Boarding the plane now. 2 possibilities, you either end up sitting next to a really good looking guy and your flight seems shorter than it actually is or you end up sitting with a really ugly guy in which case you just want to pretend to be asleep through out the flight. Forget dinner/beverages, because the moment I open my eyes, I pretty much have to entertain a dumb conversation with a geeky looking guy. Ofcourse the chances of having a dumb conversation with a good looking guy are just as high, but I don't mind that.
12. Trying to tune into my favourite music station, but can never decide on the station.
13. The turbulence.
14.Sitting next to the exit door.
15.The person sitting next to you cannot read/write English, so I end up filling out immigration forms for them, yay me... good deeds never go unnoticed.. apparently.
Sigh... I hope the 20 hours pass by real quick.
1. I forgot the change for the cart.
2. Entering the airport, I realize my check in counter is towards the other end of the airport.
3.My suitcases have "going to India" written all over them and it doesn't make it any easier at the Toronto airport.
4. The unfriendly officer behind the check in counter." Why are you going to India" coz officer, right now I look like the picture in my passport right here, and that means I really really need this vacation. Can we please not make the small talk?
5. At the security check, the officer pulling me aside "Mam, you have been chosen for a random security check", Really? Are you sure it isn't because I am brown and because I look like I will be blowing up the plane? But sure, I love security checks.. you will be frisking me, right? damn, can we get that handsome officer over there to do this?
6.Through with security, sitting at my gate, watching people gazing at nothing. That makes for an interesting past time. Like pyschos in a mental ward.
7. Everything at the airport is charged at a premium, as if they did not rip us enough when we bought those expensive tickets. So yeah, a cold sandwich for $10. My mom would have packed some stuff for me to eat, but you know, it's just me.
8.Freaky times when the flight is not on time.
9. 2 sets of people : Business executives, who try to sit away from the rest of us, usually reading WSJ or Bloomberg. And the teenage girls travelling alone for the first time, chewing on gum really noticeably, trying to act real cool.
10. The meaningless announcements, unless they are announcing your flight details. How I wish I could tune the other ones out.
11.Boarding the plane now. 2 possibilities, you either end up sitting next to a really good looking guy and your flight seems shorter than it actually is or you end up sitting with a really ugly guy in which case you just want to pretend to be asleep through out the flight. Forget dinner/beverages, because the moment I open my eyes, I pretty much have to entertain a dumb conversation with a geeky looking guy. Ofcourse the chances of having a dumb conversation with a good looking guy are just as high, but I don't mind that.
12. Trying to tune into my favourite music station, but can never decide on the station.
13. The turbulence.
14.Sitting next to the exit door.
15.The person sitting next to you cannot read/write English, so I end up filling out immigration forms for them, yay me... good deeds never go unnoticed.. apparently.
Sigh... I hope the 20 hours pass by real quick.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Maximum city
On this Sunday morning, while packing for my India visit, my mind invariably turned to the memories of time spent in Bombay. Mumbai, still lovingly called Bombay, the first picture that comes to mind is that of Nariman point and the queen's necklace on a busy weeknight. The maximum city, the city of extremes. City that breathes and accepts you the way you are. A city you either adore or hate it with all you have. You will never hear 'Bombay is an alright city to live in'.
My love for Bombay has grown over the years, almost like the city grew on me. Changing me at times, making me a different person and at other times reminding me of who I was and where I came from. I do not 'originally' belong to Bombay. The word original has a very significant meaning when talking about one's roots in India. I come from a different part of the country, having spent relatively less time in Bombay, but I like to think that's where I belong, because truly there is no other place I could ever belong to. It's like the city complements my personality and lets me blend in.
Coming from a small city, I was terrified when I was told I would be going to Bombay. A city of 14 million people, it's a crazy place at any given time. On top of that I was going to be all alone in the city, living on my own. How was I going to manage? How would I ever be able to find my way through? And more thoughts like those were making a dash in my head. The first few days, I hated the city. I could not grasp why were there so many people there. Where was everyone going and why could it not be less humid. The day I was driven from Andheri west to Nerul( where my college was), and we went over the Vashi bridge, I could smell the sea. My senses came alive. Everything around me was green and cool and that smell! And my college was some view. A picturesque setting, right off the highway. It had rained that day and the hills just behind the college were lush green with little streams running downhill. And I was in love. I did not realize it then ofcourse. The days to come were going to be trying.
Anyone who has lived in Bombay, will know the true meaning of survival of the fittest. From the richest to the poorest, everyone is trying to capture the one thing that is scarce, space. There are few schools, too many students, there are few jobs, too many graduates, so on an so forth. Someone once told me, you can never be out of job in Bombay. You'll find something to do. I am not so sure. The local trains, they are called the lifeline of the city, and rightly so. The traffic in the city is so bad, that people prefer the overcrowded trains. And riding the train is a skill you have to learn. You need to know how to place yourself strategically when the train approaches, so you can push you way in. Once inside, you can let go of any ideas you may have had with respect to cleanliness or hygiene. You will never get so close to anyone unless you are making love( which by the way is not so easy to do in Bombay without your neighbors taking a peek), as you would in that train. On a hot stuffy day, you can smell every unimaginable human odour there is. And then getting off takes an additional set of skills. Rest assured, come sun or rain, you will reach your destination on time.
Most people spend their time devising plots to beat the rush hour traffic, only to realize 'rush hour' is a myth in Bombay. Every hour is a rush hour. You can be in a traffic jam at 3 in the morning.
So why do I love the place with so many people, so much traffic, a city that never pampers you, is so damn hot, doesnt care, is arrogant, expensive to live in, even dangerous for the less smart? Because this is the only place where I can get anda bhurji at 2 in the morning, where I can drive by Nariman point, listening to Hall and Oates and the waves in the sea at the same time. It's the only place where you can crib all day and then forget it all at Toto's over a couple of beers with some amazing people in your life. A place where you choose your sound at Cafe Mondegar, downtown and then catch a late night show at the sterling theatre. After a late night of hard core partying, I can rediscover myself just by driving on the palm beach road. Gossip over coffee at Barista after dinner. Just sit outside The Taj and admire it, wishing I could go inside and spare Rs 300 for a cup of coffee. Shop at shoppers, eat a dosa at shiv sagar and then head to cafe mocha for some flavored hookah, watch the sky change colors, the different shades of black. The only place where the sun shines and it rains at the same time. the only place I don't mind getting wet in the rain. And there are countless reasons to love Bombay.
This is a city that never sleeps. It's been awake for a long time now.Allows you to sleep a good night's sleep, and sometimes you toss and turn in bed, you want to get out this place, because you cant take it no more, and yet you know there is no place you can turn to. There is no way out. Like the song " You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave".. It sticks to you and then you realize, you are almost glad that it does.
My love for Bombay has grown over the years, almost like the city grew on me. Changing me at times, making me a different person and at other times reminding me of who I was and where I came from. I do not 'originally' belong to Bombay. The word original has a very significant meaning when talking about one's roots in India. I come from a different part of the country, having spent relatively less time in Bombay, but I like to think that's where I belong, because truly there is no other place I could ever belong to. It's like the city complements my personality and lets me blend in.
Coming from a small city, I was terrified when I was told I would be going to Bombay. A city of 14 million people, it's a crazy place at any given time. On top of that I was going to be all alone in the city, living on my own. How was I going to manage? How would I ever be able to find my way through? And more thoughts like those were making a dash in my head. The first few days, I hated the city. I could not grasp why were there so many people there. Where was everyone going and why could it not be less humid. The day I was driven from Andheri west to Nerul( where my college was), and we went over the Vashi bridge, I could smell the sea. My senses came alive. Everything around me was green and cool and that smell! And my college was some view. A picturesque setting, right off the highway. It had rained that day and the hills just behind the college were lush green with little streams running downhill. And I was in love. I did not realize it then ofcourse. The days to come were going to be trying.
Anyone who has lived in Bombay, will know the true meaning of survival of the fittest. From the richest to the poorest, everyone is trying to capture the one thing that is scarce, space. There are few schools, too many students, there are few jobs, too many graduates, so on an so forth. Someone once told me, you can never be out of job in Bombay. You'll find something to do. I am not so sure. The local trains, they are called the lifeline of the city, and rightly so. The traffic in the city is so bad, that people prefer the overcrowded trains. And riding the train is a skill you have to learn. You need to know how to place yourself strategically when the train approaches, so you can push you way in. Once inside, you can let go of any ideas you may have had with respect to cleanliness or hygiene. You will never get so close to anyone unless you are making love( which by the way is not so easy to do in Bombay without your neighbors taking a peek), as you would in that train. On a hot stuffy day, you can smell every unimaginable human odour there is. And then getting off takes an additional set of skills. Rest assured, come sun or rain, you will reach your destination on time.
Most people spend their time devising plots to beat the rush hour traffic, only to realize 'rush hour' is a myth in Bombay. Every hour is a rush hour. You can be in a traffic jam at 3 in the morning.
So why do I love the place with so many people, so much traffic, a city that never pampers you, is so damn hot, doesnt care, is arrogant, expensive to live in, even dangerous for the less smart? Because this is the only place where I can get anda bhurji at 2 in the morning, where I can drive by Nariman point, listening to Hall and Oates and the waves in the sea at the same time. It's the only place where you can crib all day and then forget it all at Toto's over a couple of beers with some amazing people in your life. A place where you choose your sound at Cafe Mondegar, downtown and then catch a late night show at the sterling theatre. After a late night of hard core partying, I can rediscover myself just by driving on the palm beach road. Gossip over coffee at Barista after dinner. Just sit outside The Taj and admire it, wishing I could go inside and spare Rs 300 for a cup of coffee. Shop at shoppers, eat a dosa at shiv sagar and then head to cafe mocha for some flavored hookah, watch the sky change colors, the different shades of black. The only place where the sun shines and it rains at the same time. the only place I don't mind getting wet in the rain. And there are countless reasons to love Bombay.
This is a city that never sleeps. It's been awake for a long time now.Allows you to sleep a good night's sleep, and sometimes you toss and turn in bed, you want to get out this place, because you cant take it no more, and yet you know there is no place you can turn to. There is no way out. Like the song " You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave".. It sticks to you and then you realize, you are almost glad that it does.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Weekend special
Now after that rather heavy post, I thought something light wouldn't hurt. 2 posts in a day? Well, it's the weekend, gives me more time to do things I like to do. Saturday evening, I am home alone, my Tv on mute and listening to Nirvana. Soon I will be getting ready to go to a friend's place. I am a little tired today. There is much going on these days. Ofcourse, my first half of Saturdays is spent cleaning the house. And I also did some packing. I am leaving for India in about 2 weeks time and there is so much I have to do. I am really excited about this trip. It's been 2 years since I last visited and my sister is getting married. So I am excited, even when I know this trip is going to be crazy busy. I had an ok week. After the holidays, going to work is a pain. Also there were a couple of people missing at work, so it was rather busy. When I got this job, I was excited. It was challenging in the beginning, learning new things and all. There is still much to learn, but I feel ready to move on. I want to try something else now. Move to a different position. I will be taking my exam once I come back from India and will start looking out for a different position. For me, being on the move is important. Almost like I can't get too comfortable at one place or with one thing. The moment I start getting a sense of comfort, I get this feeling that I need to now move on. I have to admit though, this keeps things exciting for me. I sometimes wonder when people tell me they have been with the same company, doing the same thing for 20 years. I can never see myself doing something for that long. Change is what I crave. Sometimes when things settle down and are moving smoothly, I like to turn them upside down, just to avoid feeling stagnant. Ah well...
I picked up 'The lost symbol' a few days back. An interesting book, as expected. I do feel however Dan Brown is now overdoing it with Robert Langdon. He will soon run his course and will have to find something else to write. There are a few books I have to read. One of my new year's resolution is to do some major reading this year. I enjoy reading and I felt bad when I realized my 2009 reading wasn't as impressive as I would have liked it to be. But we will change all that in 2010.
I almost forgot, this is my second post in the new year. So far it's been a good year. It's funny, how people are all gung ho about new year for the first 3 weeks into the year and then suddenly the magic is all gone and it's like any other day of the year.
Time for me to get ready now. I am going to wear some make up tonight!.. Later
I picked up 'The lost symbol' a few days back. An interesting book, as expected. I do feel however Dan Brown is now overdoing it with Robert Langdon. He will soon run his course and will have to find something else to write. There are a few books I have to read. One of my new year's resolution is to do some major reading this year. I enjoy reading and I felt bad when I realized my 2009 reading wasn't as impressive as I would have liked it to be. But we will change all that in 2010.
I almost forgot, this is my second post in the new year. So far it's been a good year. It's funny, how people are all gung ho about new year for the first 3 weeks into the year and then suddenly the magic is all gone and it's like any other day of the year.
Time for me to get ready now. I am going to wear some make up tonight!.. Later
The art of being an Individual
" Comrades, We must abolish the cult of the individual decisively, once and for all."
Funny the simple truth was spoken in so many words. The concept may still be new to many, only when heard though. Ofcourse most lives are lived in a manner that puts individuality to shame. Old ideas being recycled every day. Everyone experiencing a Eureka moment, that was someone else's. Thoughts being transported! I call it the 'herd mentality'. Man follows, without thinking. Acting because he is being a witness to some sort of action, never mind his own thoughts, his own ideas. He is too afraid to search his mind for them. Ofcourse they can be ridiculed by others. How dare he stand alone when everyone else is running, trying to reach nowhere? The irony of it all is, sometimes people know they are just going nowhere, and they still stay on track. Reminds me of a herd of sheep, just following each other on a bridge and then jumping off it, without thinking. I feel sorry, but only for a moment. Meeting one's end following someone? One time in life when we understand the essence of life is when we are about to die, and imagine, at that moment, you face yourself and it's not you. Not what you were meant to be, not where you had intended to be, not knowing what to do next. And you give up. Because that comes naturally to you. You see what everyone else did when they were about to die. Maybe write a will, maybe spend time with your kids or just lie in bed waiting to die.
Conformity is the end of individualism. I refuse to conform. I do not exist for others. I am, therefore I think. I have questions and I seek answers. Not the right answers, but The answers. One should be able to stand alone, if that's what is needed. Why are my thoughts slaves to the minds that have come before me? I may be labelled as selfish and arrogant. Selfish, I may be. Before one says ' I love you', one has to know the meaning of 'I'. My arrogance stops me from being a parasite, stops me from feeding on other's ideas and creating my own.
My biggest treasure, a free mind and a free spirit. Sometimes my thoughts wander to the deepest corners in my mind, unbound, out of control, influencing my actions, telling me to break free. Asking me to not accept the norm, just because it has become 'generally acceptable' As a child, I was often called a rebel and punished for the things I did. Sometimes it makes me happy to think that I did not give up delving deeper. I did not just stop thinking. I always knew I was right, relatively speaking. Making my own rules and living by them.
" I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."
Funny the simple truth was spoken in so many words. The concept may still be new to many, only when heard though. Ofcourse most lives are lived in a manner that puts individuality to shame. Old ideas being recycled every day. Everyone experiencing a Eureka moment, that was someone else's. Thoughts being transported! I call it the 'herd mentality'. Man follows, without thinking. Acting because he is being a witness to some sort of action, never mind his own thoughts, his own ideas. He is too afraid to search his mind for them. Ofcourse they can be ridiculed by others. How dare he stand alone when everyone else is running, trying to reach nowhere? The irony of it all is, sometimes people know they are just going nowhere, and they still stay on track. Reminds me of a herd of sheep, just following each other on a bridge and then jumping off it, without thinking. I feel sorry, but only for a moment. Meeting one's end following someone? One time in life when we understand the essence of life is when we are about to die, and imagine, at that moment, you face yourself and it's not you. Not what you were meant to be, not where you had intended to be, not knowing what to do next. And you give up. Because that comes naturally to you. You see what everyone else did when they were about to die. Maybe write a will, maybe spend time with your kids or just lie in bed waiting to die.
Conformity is the end of individualism. I refuse to conform. I do not exist for others. I am, therefore I think. I have questions and I seek answers. Not the right answers, but The answers. One should be able to stand alone, if that's what is needed. Why are my thoughts slaves to the minds that have come before me? I may be labelled as selfish and arrogant. Selfish, I may be. Before one says ' I love you', one has to know the meaning of 'I'. My arrogance stops me from being a parasite, stops me from feeding on other's ideas and creating my own.
My biggest treasure, a free mind and a free spirit. Sometimes my thoughts wander to the deepest corners in my mind, unbound, out of control, influencing my actions, telling me to break free. Asking me to not accept the norm, just because it has become 'generally acceptable' As a child, I was often called a rebel and punished for the things I did. Sometimes it makes me happy to think that I did not give up delving deeper. I did not just stop thinking. I always knew I was right, relatively speaking. Making my own rules and living by them.
" I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)