Fashionably late

For some unexplained, unknown, unsolicited and unwarranted reason, I have been receiving a fashion magazine in the mail for the past couple of months. Yes, a fashion magazine, with those "what's hot and what's not" sections et all..Now it would be a lie if I said I never did once read cosmo.. however I was always more into the stories and the little silly quizzes that were in there and that was many many years ago. So as it happens, I considered myself pretty fashionable until I happened to flip through the pages of this fashion mag, and suddenly I realized, I might be fashionable but certainly not in the conventional sense. I do not have those big head gears that the models were wearing and I certainly dont have the underwear that goes with my tee shirts that I can walk my dog in. Sigh. So I spent full 20 minutes trying to understand my fashion sense, and if I was 'hot' or was I 'not'
I identified the 3 things essential to any magazine that is claiming to be a leader in fashion trends
1. Make up tips
2. Clothes(or the lack of it)/brand names
3. Slimming techniques( a good butt, enhanced bust etc)
So as always, here is my 20 minute analysis on the subject

FASHIONABLY MADE UP:
I do not consider myself an expert on the topic by any stretch of imagination. Also considering I come from a time when rock music ruled the world and black was the only color. My make up regime is derived from the rock and roll times, black eyeliner, black mascara, black shadow, red lip gloss. And I knew I could wear this look with anything, since black is a neutral color , which means it will pretty much go with anything and everything. However I was amazed at the color palatte splashed across the pages. Blues and greens together with a yellow outfit. Silver eyeshadoes and golden lip colors, rosy cheeks being redefined. Trying to put up a brave face, I tried to follow the tips one expert was giving. So I started with a mineral foundation( whatever the hell that means) on my face, turns out the only mineral in the foundation was some vitamin E oil, leaving streaks all over and ofcourse lots of oil. So now I have a shiny T zone and guess what, the next section talks about how to fix the oily T zone(and a whole range of products promising to do just that). I am beginning to see a conspiracy here. I spent some 10 minutes doing my face and I reached the conclusion, I have the perfect look to go watch a circus. Giving up, I went to basics... a good moisturizer with sunscreen protection.

FASHONABLY BARE:
Baz Luhrmann said "Do not read beauty magazines, it will only make you feel ugly". I dont know about the ugly part, but it did make me feel like I have a completely outdated wardrobe and that for most part I was almost always over dressed. If I wore jeans, shorts were in fashion. If I chucked my jeans(GOD forbid) and donned a pair of shorts, suddenly micro minis were in vogue. And if I dared put on a mini, suddenly everybody was shopping in a bikini top and some old torn out shorts. Where will this all end, I ask the Chanels and Donna Karens. I have never been a big fan of showing too much skin. NO body issues, well none that I care to give much thought to, but I just do not see the point in showing too much cleavage when it is not required. I think somethings should just be left to the imagination, it just make it more scintillating than a flash. now ofcourse our beauty magazine experts tend to think otherwise, why else would we be seeing so much leg and flesh in them?

FAHIONABLY ANOREXIC:
Now beauty has a lot to do with being slim and slender. Fat people cannot be beautiful.. And the beauty mags will go to any length to drive home this point, without being totally overt about it. I mean have you ever seen size 4 models on those pages? I bet you havent and if you have it must be a 'desperate housewives' kinda magazine. There was even a section about "How to get that perfect butt this summer" and there was some crap about eating right and exercising right. I really dont see the point in spending $15 every month to read about what I already know. I mean, if you were telling me I could get a super butt sitting at home doing nothing, I would be more than happy to shell out some change. Another thing to note is that if you somehow decide to buy the kind of clothes that are worn by women in those magazines(you got to be drunk), you have to be a size 0, since they are not made in any other sizes, for obvious reasons ofcourse.

Verdict:
I am not fashinonable this summer, fall or winter...But I am a proud owner of an old Levis dark jeans, a lee top and a gucci bag and a million dollar face (pardon the exaggeration) that needs no more than an attitude.